It is ... alive!
Every great once in a while, usually about once a decade -- say every 7-8 years or so -- I go through this unearthing process. It feels akin to digging something up out of the ground -- a corpse, if you will -- and reanimating it. Often, it is a component of myself that was not yet awakened; other times, it seems to be a facet of myself that was buried or smothered, some wrinkle of myself with which I lost contact. It's about time for one of these chrysalis transitions, and I have been hard at work on it for the last couple of years.
- Nietzsche wrote (in Twilight of the Idols), "What does not kill me, makes me stronger." On the heels of a harsh year, in a difficult decade (I came out of the proverbial "closets" as a lesbian, then a bisexual, and then an atheist; I ended a marriage, began another marriage, relocated across the country, and considered moving to another country), this treasured saying by a treasured hero is all the more probative. Because too often it is correlative -- what is hard to endure will build your character. If, of course, it does not kill you.
Character as a concept entrances me; I sit around contemplating it a good bit. And my reference to Frankenstein above is a great analogy to some of my thoughts about character : one cannot judge it merely on its face, or "by its actions" as is tritely presumed; it is frequently a permutation of various inputs and stimuli and contexts, and it morphs. The monster was believed "monstrous" only by appearance at first; it was not until later that his actions came to fit what was expected of him, e.g., monstrous. That silly business about "good" character being "solid" or non-malleable is pie-in-the-sky horseshit. Ponder a man and his high brow opinion of character, that one of good character would never steal -- a fairly universal "Thou Shall Not" -- then starve him or his family and watch him become a very adept thief.
But I digress. Character is much like beauty; it's in the eye of the beholder. What one person will laud, another will denigrate. For instance, truth is a pretty highly valued indicator of a person's character, yet "telling the truth" is catnip only to those that value it; it is death itself to those that live truly deep-seated pretenses. ("Pretense" is a polite euphemism for "lie.") Practically any contrasted extremes of moral "absolutes" will bear out this rather incongruously contradicting juxtaposition. So much for absolutes, eh?
So when I try to be thankful for the hard knocks that have come my way -- the heart breakers, the dream crushers, the bad news and the scoundrels who have mucked around in my life -- I have to revisit what my character goal IS. Because the only way to really successfully live life fully is to have some general idea of where one would like to end up. And unlike the convenience of navigating by map, which does not change as it lies in the hand (or on the GPS, natch), character mapping is subtle and mercurial. Exceedingly malleable, my character shifts most often when exposed to the gravitational pull of another's influence. Not that many people are magnetic to me -- hence the "happens every 7-8 years" cycle.
Ironically, that's about how often the seasons change on Saturn, my favourite planet -- every 7½ years. The planet resonates with me, so quirky and large. Of the planets in our solar system, only Jupiter is larger or spins faster. Saturn's description, compositionally, reminds me of myself as well -- diaphanous, a gas giant composed of temperature shifts so extreme they show up as bands in the planet's appearance. It has no distinct line of demarcation between its surface and its atmosphere -- akin to my own approachability ... one never knows when one actually gets beyond my skin. Despite it's nebulous construction, rumors persist about a hot, rocky core. The analogies are endless for me: the multitudes of satellites, its unique seven rings, its incredible gravitational pull.
In Greek Mythology, Cronus (and his son, Zeus, both were later afilliated with Saturn in astrology) was one of the Titans. He ate his children to prevent himself from being dethroned as the King of the Gods. Until Rhea, his wife, tricked him into swallowing a stone when Zeus was born. In astrology, Saturn is associated with father figures, with restriction and limitation. It supposedly brings structure and meaning to the world, with its representation of knowing the limits of time and matter. It reminds about boundaries, responsibilities, and commitments, and bring definition to lives. Ultimately it should flag awareness for the need for self-control. (My love of mythology lead me to a love of astrology which lead me to a love of astronomy which lead me to a love of science. Neat, right?) Source: Saturn in the Zodiac
As I dig up and reanimate on my 7-year timetable, I think about Saturn and its symbolism for limits. I have made a lifetime of transgressing limits. (One cannot break the rules if one does not know what the rules are, after all.) I muse on my next iteration, my next monumental shift in character, and I get ever more deeply lost in rumination and expectation. I know I've been focused outwardly for years now, when I should have been fighting the better fight and turning my energy inward.
I think, repeatedly, of Frankenstein: the deranged doctor and the misunderstood monster.
Sometimes I feel the insane doctor, cobbling together things that should not be joined together, firing them with life and movement, only to have them murdered as the abortive creations they are. Other times, my sympathy with the monster is replete -- just trying to figure it out and come fully alive, but scaring the children and disturbing the Normals and being hunted down and destroyed for my trouble.
Whether I am god-complex-addled scientist or monstrous creation, one of the things I'm doing again for my Better Self is what you read right now -- blogging. It is a version of the rather intensive journaling I do every single day. No embellishment -- I write three to four pages every single day about what is in my head, reviewing how things impact me, how I want to be in the world. For this blog, I choose a stand-out issue -- a "trigger," so to speak -- that seems to encapsulate either a theme or an overarching opinion or some pearl on a string of larger contemplations I'm in the midst of formulating. Or digging up, graveyard style.
I'm looking for resonance, wherever I find it. It keeps me grounded. Be it in cycles of growth and birth/rebirth, planets, rhythms, botanicals, kindred spirits, haunting music, lyrical poetry, incredible trips, delicate secrets. Because I do not know when I will not be here anymore, and I want to make the most of my limited time here.
So. Welcome, 2010. I'm alive. Anyone else?
Reference sourcing: NASA - Saturn, Seven-Year Cycles