(Don't) Leave Me Alone

I've read that the greatest human need is to be heard, but I think this is disingenuous. To be HEARD, there must be ANOTHER to hear, and that means the greatest human need is companionship, to have a group, to belong to someone or a group of someone's (or both). I think this need drives all human collections, from cliques to gangs to churches. It will not be denied.

And It is profoundly disorienting to feel alone, or maybe even worse, to feel like an outsider. It's troubling on lots of levels: there's a lack of empowerment, a lack of voice, a disconnection that can rupture more than just the situation at hand. Isolation, or the sense of isolation ... well, there's a reason there are limits on how long it can be used as a form of punishment, because the human animal is gregarious and needs contact.

Now -- CONTACT can mean all sorts of things to all sorts of people. I'm very WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get), so I feel driven to transparency; it's almost like my religion. I check myself against my own Transparency Rule that's basically "Speak True" (thanks, Melissa E.) So it shouldn't be terribly hard for me to be in "contact" with others. But for some reason, it's one of the most challenging things in my life. Maybe because "contact" in my world is defined as something far less trivial. I want to CONNECT.

Some part of this challenge for me is my work; I don't have a usual job, so I freelance and flit from place to place over time. I'm always "the other," and fundamentally different from those in my workplace. I'm treated differently, I have a different schedule. Some part of it is my lifestyle: neither young nor old, no kids, no demanding career, an easy-going spouse ... it's hard to find people in the same "place in life" as me. Connecting, beyond merely making contact, is about having things in common, and at its base, I'm pretty different than most.

My expectations are pretty high, too, because since I'm capable of a pretty deep level of communion, I expect others to be capable, too, and maybe that's too much. (One of my exes told me "I'm a hard woman." So there you go.)

For whatever reason, however, other people find me Instantly Approachable (so I've been told). Apparently I make it incredibly easy for YOU to talk to ME. But not that many people make it easy for ME to talk to YOU. I can't just batter down your door, folks! Could you open it just a crack?

Another tricky part is there are about 573 layers to me, so one has to be paying attention to really get the whole picture of who I am. (Does everyone feel this way about themselves, but you don't show or share it?) Is it just too much of a challenge to take me on?

There's a paradox here. Paradox as in:

American Heritage Dictionary

par·a·dox    Audio Help   (pār'ə-dŏks')  Pronunciation Key  n.   A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true: the paradox that standing is more tiring than walking.

I KNOW that I'm an open and accessible person, yet it can be daunting for me to truly connect with others.

Let me just tell you ... it can profoundly suck to be in a room full of talking, gesturing, vibrant people and be utterly alone.