Dreaded Expectations
So, maybe it isn't lack of time or wealth that fuels the human tendency to restiveness and dissatisfaction. Maybe it's having expectations. Edward de Bono stated "Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations." And the Buddhists believe that all of human suffering is bound up in desire. In wanting. In having expectations. I think they are onto something.
Expectations are as much a part of my daily existence as air. For me it is so deeply ingrained it feels instinctual. I see the cloudy sky, and I expect it to rain. I wake up tired, I expect to be less productive. I like and respect someone, I expect that feeling to be mutual. I make this job change/move, I expect life to feel better. I simply cannot THINK and not presuppose an outcome or even multiple outcomes.
The hardest expectations for me, though, are the ones attached to other humans. It's part of the social contract! It's the "I do this for you because I expect you to do this for me." Call it whatever you want -- "bargaining," "civilized behaviour," "expectations" -- it's all part and parcel of how you move from point A to B in the world. When my friends meet someone they think they like and are investigating that introduction, the first thing I tell them is "No expectations!" Just because this person flirts, it doesn't mean there's a desire to go out. And if they go out, it doesn't mean wanting to date. And wanting to date doesn't mean wanting to settle down.
You get my drift.
Interestingly, expectations can be disarmed to a large degree by communication. If I say up front, "Hey X, I am going to tell you this, so then you can tell me that," it usually helps smooth the way. If X has no interest in telling me whatever "that" is, then I don't have to feel hurt when the disclosure doesn't come. Isn't that mature? However, it rarely happens. Mostly because the culture doesn't really support honest communication. We survive and succeed based on how well we wear a Poker Face. In how well we play The Game.
I have no patience for The Game. I don't find it interesting, I don't find it worthwhile. Be it in the workplace or in my friendships or love relationships, I just have better ways to expend my energy. I can maybe accede that it can be entertaining for a short time, the "chase" of something, the intrigue of it -- Will I get the promotion? Will I compete and win out on the project? Will SoNSo like me? -- but then I get aggravated, because it's inefficient. Wouldn't it just be easier to have the cards on the table? To be open and straightforward?
I am not a big fan of poker, I'm sure that's no surprise. NO ONE needs to further implant subterfuge tendencies by doing it for fun in a game! And I would be a terrible lab rat. I just don't motivate by competition with others. (Which begs the question of how well I'm doing at evolving, since Darwin's theory states that success is achieved through competition.)
Long ago, I read that there are five levels of intimacy. I think the discussion was based on Knapp's Relationship Escalation Model, which said there are five stages:
1) initiation
2) experimentation
3) intensifying
4) integration
5) bonding
Most of us spend the vast majority of our time in the first level, which is a wholly unsatisfying exchange. It's the chit chat of cocktail parties, the small talk after the sermon on Sunday. It's just data exchange. Most of us get reasonably good at 2) because it's curiosity driven, and it plays into that "need to compete" urge.
For most of us to be any good at 3), it usually has to involve some higher level of attraction than mere curiosity -- sexual attraction? Admiration? A common past/upbringing? There are lots of societal constraints around what moves an exchange from 2) to 3), and unfortunately here is where most of us run afoul, where we fail to perfect our skills. Because to move from 2) to 3), there has to be an exchange of disclosure or private details, and most people are unwilling to make the first disclosure. Which is a shame, because I think this is where the most fun is with getting to know people.
As for 4) and 5), I rarely find someone either a) worthy or b) willing to progress beyond 3. (And this is for a later musing.) When I DO find someone worthy, it frustrates me when integration isn't possible ... because of time limits or similiar constraints beyond my control.
So expectation for me is largely bound up in my interpersonal relations with other people, and those are constantly truncated because reality intrudes and we all can't just exchange ever-deepening disclosures so that we become bonded and make the world a more peaceful place. Left to my own devices, I could move from 1) to 5) in an amazingly short time (she goes 0-60 in 2.46 seconds!), because Communication is King in my world, and I don't think we do nearly enough of it.