And so it goes
You can always tell when you turn a corner in your head. When you start to see something more clearly, or when you figure out the root cause of a problem. Often this is a very gratifying moment for me - I feel I've won something, I feel I've gained ground or triumphed over something hard to beat. Those moments make me feel strong and competent.
But sometimes I feel sorry, and sad, like something or someone has died. I have counseled friends about this feeling of grief; it's the death of expectations. And sometimes those are the hardest things to part with, because we tie up so much of ourselves and our futures in what we expect to happen. On the job, with our friends, in our love lives, in our dreams about tomorrow.
Failed expectations too closely affect my vision, too. It's akin to thinking you see something, then looking back and realizing nothing of the sort is there. You saw smoke and flames? Rub the eyest, look again, and it's not even fog. It's just complete mental fabrication. That kind of scenario makes me think I'm cracking up my tiny degrees. Did I imagine that feeling? Did I manufacture that moment? Was I defrauding myself? If so, why?
Nothing makes me question my own sanity and judgment quite like the crash and burn of deeply-held expectations. And I question my sanity and judgment so much of the time anyway. A good dose of failed expectation is like icing on the bitter cake of cracking up.
~~~~~
"So it goes" is a catchphrase from the amazing book, Slaugherhouse Five. Read it.