^ Abusing …

There are so many ways to abuse ourselves –drugs. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Other people. Humans can develop addictions to sex,to drugs, even to other people. What maladaptation in the human genome drivesthis kind of self-immolative behaviour? Certainly my family tree is litteredwith it, and I myself feel the pull to abuse myself with alcohol when thePeanut Gallery in my head won’t pipe down.

I realized in past relationships that I canabuse myself with other people, too, and I view this as a character defect. Isuppose it doesn’t matter which parental gene pool I got this nasty littleweakness, but I did, and it is part of my make up. I wish I knew how to turn itoff.

I’m a text book case of being attracted topeople who are bad for me. Part of this roots in my failure to establishboundaries, to learn to cut people off before I’m in pain from giving too much.But mostly it’s my lousy taste in what blows up my skirt. If it’s good for me,my passion is nowhere to be found. If it’s bad for me? My passions are frontand center. It’s kind of like extreme sports – the more dangerous, the moreinteresting.

As I’ve matured, I’d hoped I’d take thehint sooner with people who I realize are toxic for me. My first girlfriend – Iwas devoted to her, enslaved. And she was poison for me. I didn’t like myselfwith her; I didn’t like the control I freely gave her. I hope that’s a lesson Ican apply going forward, although more and more it seems I throw good sense andcaution to the wind when I meet someone who I find compelling in some way. Isuppose it is the Writer in me that wants to know more, experience it all. Howcan I effectively and convincingly write about a subject if I haven’t done it?Why do I feel drawn to people who are both dangerous to know and elusive?

Don’t I have better things to do with mytime?