^ “You must be stronger than me.”

Melissa Etheridge

A psych test from college asked fourquestions that were supposed to reveal key indicators about ourselves. You wereto answer the question immediately, without over-thinking it, and to do so withone-word adjectives. The questions were:

1) What is your favourite animal and how doyou feel about them?

2) What is your favourite colour and how doyou feel when wearing it?

3) What is your favourite body of water andhow do you feel when around/in it?

4) You take a walk in a cool, dark forest,and you suddenly come upon a white wall that stretches as far away and as highas  you can see. You feel …

My answers follow:

1)     A horse. Loyal, sure-footed,able to carry me.

2)     Purple. Vibrant, royal,magnetic.

3)     The Mediterranean Sea. Peaceful,expansive, hot.

4)      Confused, curious, challenged.

The first question is supposed to revealwhat you need in a mate. The second, how you believe others see you. The third,how you feel about sex. The fourth, how you feel about death.

The striking thing for me has been how truethese questions were for me, and the longevity with which they’ve remainedaccurate. I absolutely do require those top things in a mate. I still do thinkpeople view me this way. I do think sex is expansive and induces peace, as wellas being hot, hot, hot. And I do not feel frightened by death, although Isuppose I should since I view it as a final end to my life force.

The horse image/meaning is the one I probed themost. After too many failed relationships, even now in spite of the solidmarriage I finally have, I still contemplate my needs in a partner. Withoutquestion I require solidarity and commitment. I have to know, without question,that nothing – no one, no thing – comes before me in ranking with my spouse. Wehave to be each other’s #1 priority, or marriage with me will not work. The“sure-footed” is a nuance word, meaning both confidence and intuition and an abilityto communicate those to me. I think of how I feel astride a horse, how I readits movements beneath me, and how it takes direction from me by a touch ofreigns, hand or heel. And how I lean down and into the horse as we climb a hill or gallop over open fields. It is very much like two animals functioning as one unit.And the ability to carry me is indicative of how I must trust that my partnercan get me out of a jam. I don’t get into them frequently, but when I do, theyare doozies. I want to know that I can count on my partner to rescue me.

At times I’ve wondered if there really is apartner out there that is all three of those things. Certainly my wife is loyaland communicative. She is growing in her abilities to lead, to be confident andintuitive, and to heed those intuitions. But the carrying me thing… it’s amatter of spine and strength, and I have caught myself thinking more than oncethat maybe there isn’t anyone who truly is stronger than me. (Isn’t that theheight of ego? But I’ve truly thought this.) I’m a doer. I overcome obstacles.I don’t take no for an answer. I’m not afraid to break stupid rules. I’m notafraid to speak my mind and suffer the consequences. I do not seek guidancefrom a higher power. I consult my heart, which I know to be true and strong,and I go with what it says to do. I don’t kowtow to convention for other’scomfort. I don’t tell people easy lies to make them feel better. I only burnbridges when absolutely necessary, but I have burned them, blatantly, manytimes, and I will burn more in my life. I have walked away from perfectlypalatable relationships because they were not what I wanted and needed. I wascastigated by people close to me for these actions, and I lost people near anddear to me for telling the truth, for coming out, for refusing to play nicely.

I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone elselike me. I’ve met people who were similar, but they proved (and are proving)less strong than me.

It makes that kinship with Buffy resonateagain. And that observation about the loneliness that true strength brings.